I Know My Thoughts

I know my thoughts

Follow sensations

And feelings I have

I know my thoughts

Change how I feel

And the senses I seek

I know my thoughts

Are solid real

And yet nothing too

I know my thoughts

Can control me

And upset me too

I know my thoughts

Are not real

And can watch them pass

Should I

Should I
'get over'
my loss
and
'let go'

Should I
'let in'
light
and
'move forward'

Should I
recognise
love
cherish
what I have

?

Sometimes my

Sometimes my
Eyes can't see
Ears can't hear
Nose innocent
Fingers waggle
Tongue fiddles

Sometimes my
Head tells a story
That hurts me
Harms others
Solid as rock
Made up by me

Sometimes my
Friend makes me listen
To a different tale
Full of smiles
Full of love
And a much better true

My ritual

My ritual is

To look in my mother’s eyes

To learn from my fathers steps

To wonder at the world

Before words get their grip

My ritual is

To learn from the given books

To find my place in rank

To know science and no God

Before I wander in the world

My ritual is

To worship my wife

To look in my children’s eyes

To work for it all

Before it passes so quick

My ritual is

To cherish my life

To fight with the devil

To defend it all

Before the end

My ritual is

To enjoy my peace

To be back where I began

To be and not be

Before eternity rests

Respect my choice

Respect my choice
I want Catalonia
I want Spain
I want Brexit
I want Europe

Respect my choice
I want to die
I want to live
I want to serve
I want to honour

Respect my choice
This is my life
Not yours
I decide
You respect

Can you keep a secret?

Can you keep a secret?
I hope not
They hurt
They damage
They deceive

Can you keep a secret?
Maybe
To lessen the hurt
You shouldn't
But I do understand

Can you keep a secret?
You know
She does not
She wouldn't understand
Do you?

When I Die

When I die I won't be remembered for long
Like Jerry, Dave and Andy
Family will grieve for a little while
Friends and acquaintances will say
'Oh Jerry passed away last week'
Someone else will say
'Good innings'
And another
'Great for an evening out'
Then as the clock ticks
Memory fades
Fewer people remember

When I die I will go happy that I lived
Today, tomorrow, whenever it comes
From nowhere I came
I was here
To nowhere I go
What is important is
I was present
For you reading this
For people around me
I am here now
And for myself
As long as I can

When I die I will remember this
I sense I feel I think
A story evolves
I seek to confirm it is true
Questions arise
Answers evade
Just out of grasp
Awareness grows
I am a fiction
I did create
I had no choice
With the pen I had

Relationships

Our relationships shape us
Those that work well
Are the gold dust of our lives
They sustain us
Care for our vulnerability
Protect us
Shine light on the best we are
And bring a smile to our face

Our relationships shape us
Those that are broken
Feed the fire of fury
Waste energy
Harm us
Chain us to an idea we have
End life unresolved
And tie our gut in a knot

Our relationships shape us
Those that are in between
Are ours to repair
The hurt is in us
In our power to change
Forgive if we can
No strings attached
And bring a smile to our face

MILK

The water is ice cold on my face.  The street outside is silent.  A rhythmic snore from the terraced house next door is hardly dampened by the paper thin walls between us.  I am awake.  I rub my arms with my hands to work my circulation in to action.  I pull my vest over my head and put my shirt on as I head down the stairs.  Boots on I open the front door quietly and shut it softly behind me.
A dense fog clings to me on my way to the dairy but does nothing to stop the smile inside me.  At the stables Nelly waits.  She is always pleased to see me.  I stroke her main and put my face against her muzzle.  She gives a contented little snort.  I harness her up, rub her up and down her flanks for the feeling it gives me in my fingers and to let her know it is me that is there.  The bottles of milk clink as the crates are loaded on to the cart and we are ready to go.
I love this time of the morning.  There is a moment when it is hard to get out of the snuggle warmth of my bed but once the water splashes on my face I am ready to go.  Nelly is my companion and we head off to deliver milk to Nottingham before anyone is awake.  I can't think of anything I would rather do than this job.  I left school at 14 to get work and Dad would not let me go down the mines or do factory work.  I couldn't believe my luck when this job came up.
We head off to Mapperley where the posh folk live in their big houses up the hill.  In the early days Nelly tested me out and refused some of the hills until I discovered a carrot slightly in front of her nose got her moving.  My mates want me to do mischief to these people who have all the things we do not.  But I like my customers and find most of them to be lovely human beings.  I give them a smile and a hearty good morning if they are up and about.  Very few are.  They always give me a happy nod back and always tip me well to help Christmas go well.
More often I meet the nannies and  the staff who are preparing everything before the house wakes up.  There are a variety of foreigners working in these houses who come from far off places I know nothing about.  She doesn't speak much English yet but there is a real beauty of a nanny who comes from Austria.
At the weekend we argue round Sunday lunch.  Dad takes a position against the government or the owners of the mines or the weakness of the unions.  Norman, Cyril and me take an opposite position to Dad or each other and we can have a thoroughly good argument.  Nobody wins except it is accepted Dad is right and after a rousing shout we settle down to let the roast settle.  Dad sleeps in his favourite chair and I go in search of my mates in the street.  We are friends and good energy has been spent in the battle.
Dad's life is tough.   The mines have blackened his skin and attached a deep rasping cough to his lungs.  Mum makes little go far for food, clothes and warmth.  Most of all mum and dad make us feel safe, secure and loved.  Against the weight of injustice Dad sees in the system we are part of, we are happy together, and determined to make the best we can out of the deal we have been given in life.  The fight for life feels hard but somehow optimism stays with me.

Vera is her name.  You vant me pay you bill she says.  A lovely smile that sparks something inside me.  She tells me her sister wants to know how to get to the swimming pool saying her sister Elsa wants to go.  I offer to take them at the weekend.  A flame rises within me.  I slap Nelly on the rump, walk taller and can't wait for the weekend to come.
There was a fight at the pit yesterday.  Dad was in a foul mood, frustrated by what happened to his friend and the inability to do anything to help.  We will all whip round to help him out until he gets another job but we know he won't. 

STOP THE WORLD, IT'S SPINNING TOO FAST

What a silly phrase that is.  Stop the world, it's spinning too fast.  The reality is that time is always stuck in this particular moment.  We just can't see it that way.  All there ever is is now but we look backwards and forwards as if such places existed.  They don't.  The world is not going anywhere and is certainly not spinning.  The challenge I have is to see the world this way and not chase the orders from the future or bow to the condemnations from the past.  But you say there is always a boss, wife, mother or other figure of authority insisting you do as you are told.  I disagree.  It is down to me to see the world the way it is.  Frozen in this moment and rich in experience to savour I must stay in the now and live life to the full.
Easier said than done as my mind races towards its next 'shouldistic' task.  I'll notice a sound or pick up a scent and slip down into it.  My time spinning thoughts can slide down my back and disappear into the motionless earth.  I want to be like a tree swinging in a breeze, with sap rising and leaves falling, all in tune with natures tempo.  Thought's General marshalls his troops saying he will not be cast aside without a fight.  His allies in my body give him support for all the promises he has made to them before.  'Leave the comfort of my army and you know you'll be in trouble.'  But it seems to me he overplays the threats and fills me full of worry.  Even if I am no longer then it is the same as before.  Time stands still.  I am in the world and the world is in me.

SEEING WHAT IS THERE

Why is one businessman more successful than another?  What makes one artist move your soul and another leave you cold?  How can you feel wonderful in the presence of one person and lifeless with another?  There are a number of factors but the distinguishing ability of those who make a difference is that they 'see what is there'.  The successful businessman sees the world in a different way to the confluent pack.  The artist touching your soul shows you something magical you never saw before.  Once you see it you can no longer not see it.  The person who makes you feel good connects you with the world in a special way.  She shows you something you like.
Seeing what is there is the most important skill you need to develop to be successful and get the best out of life for you.  At first this sounds easy to do and in reality it is.  But there is a catch.  The problem is that it is much easier to ignore most of what is there and that is what your brain is designed to do.  Your brain is only interested in quickly seeking out the biggest threat to you and making you act to avert it.  In the jungle and now this is often helpful and may save your life but it also misses so much possibility for you.  In the modern world there is excitement and life enriching possibilities for you if you can learn to intervene with your automatic processes.  You can do this, remain safe and it will make you a more successful businessman, artist and companion.
To see what is there requires an understanding of the way you see the world now.  My friend and art teacher Julia Evans has a helpful phrase when we are painting.  She says 'paint what is there and not what you think'.  This idea strikes at the heart of the way you see the world.  Before you even look at the world your brain is anticipating what it expects to see.  It will already have worked out what you need and has primed all of your senses to look out for it.  It is so biased that it is only seeking confirmation of what you think rather than seeking new information.  For example when you are hungry your senses will seek food with increasing urgency as your need strengthens.  At the same time it will ignore items of warm clothing.  When you are cold you will be motivated to find warmth and ignore nourishing food.  When you are seeking to solve a problem at work your brain is working out the answer from what you have done in the past.  As you move around your attention is focussed on an infinitesimally small proportion of what is available to you and you ignore the rest.  Lost in the background you ignore is the opportunity that could dramatically change your life. That is where the successful businessman, artist and friend finds what you do not see.  As Julia says 'see a face, think face and try to draw a face and you are likely to be disappointed with the outcome.  You see 'face' which has some meaning for you and you ignore all the information in the picture from which 'face' emerges for you.  Focus on the information in what you are looking at and keep looking for more and more and capture what is there then your results will emerge and you will be amazed at the outcome.'  In her simplest class a process of capturing lights and darks on a sheet of paper and watching a face appear has delighted so many of her students who have then gone on to produce great work.  The greatest artists bring to your attention what is there and create new insights through what they present.
Once your brain has found what it wants it moves on to the next need.  The opportunities present for you in the ignored material are gone and are of no further interest in the automatic processes of your thinking.  You will solve a business problem in the way you did before.  As long as this is good for you you will succeed along with the pack.  When you do this and the competition has seen something new then that is when you are left behind.  So here is a hint on how to intervene and see what those who make a difference can see.  You have to force yourself to suspend belief in the answer you have arrived at and ask yourself what have you not looked at?  This is the hard part.  How can you challenge your own thought processes that have produced an answer.  Every challenge you put up will be met with sophisticated logic supporting the view you came to.  You have to work hard by making space for those you disagree with and working through the possibility their perspective is correct.  Questions such as how could the opposite of your position be true?  What have you ignored in the environment around you?  What biases, assumptions and prejudices of your own model of how the world works have you relied on for your solution to be true?  You will fight yourself to go through this process as it contradicts all your instincts but it is the only way to see what you currently ignore.
Seeing what is there is a route to an exciting future for you.  It is easy to do, hard to execute and worth the effort.  Look around and you will see many people seeing what they want to see and missing the prize in what they ignore.  You will also see that those who make a difference see something else.  





Julia Evans is a working artist and teacher in Benidoleig on the Costa Blanca, Spain.  She is an amazing teacher of 'seeing what is there'.  http://www.arthouseonline.net/juliaevans.htm

SUNRISE

The dark hues of night soften as colour gently seeps in to the scene.  The sun takes a peep as he prepares his playful palette for today.  Starting with a golden yellow, becoming a red or a brown or a cloud in grey highlight.  The range is immense.  Slowly the shift from dark to light.  Birds form a chorus and leaves feel the sap rejoice in their veins.  Curtains are drawn back, blinds are raised, eyes are rubbed and arms are stretched.  A house martin dives for her morning drink.  Then fast in flight for the food the sun shows her.  The sea takes on todays sheen and ripples reflect the sky and the light.  A breeze joins in to shift shadow, shade and dark and light.  Sliding over the horizon comes his golden orb.  The dark recedes to hidden corners where the warmth never goes.  Long shadows form creating contrast and shape.  The day is now full lit and the world begins to work.  Colour and shade clash and change as beauty appears and flows in form.  The sun did rise, life did glow and the day began.

TIME

Never still
Always gone
Yet to come
For ever now

...

Never enough
Tasks not done
More to do
Yes Yes Yes

...

Never No
Empty day
Fills to brim
Overflows

...

Ever moving
Always there
Came and went
For never now

...

Ever enough
All tasks done
No more to do
No No No

...

Ever No
Full day
Fits so snug
And flows and flows

...
...

Dedicated to my busy Cypriot mate and all people with empty diaries and no time to do what they have agreed to do.

BALANCE

I was thinking about how important balance is in our lives.  When we have it we are at ease and life flows freely.  When we lack it we frantically change things in an attempt to reestablish it.  Balance can be thought of as a set of scales.  On one scale we load all the pressures and challenges thrown our way each day.  On the other scale we load mechanisms to balance us against the weight of life.  Hunger on one side, food on the other.  Cold on one side, warmth on the other.  Stress on one side, calm on the other. Thinking about it this way it is easy to see how difficult it can be to balance these scales.  We will over eat to satisfy hunger. We are always putting things on or taking things off in search of the right temperature.  We often load more stress on the life scale than we can possibly balance with the counterweight of calm.  So if we can reduce the load on the  life scale perhaps there is a better chance of having what we want.  We know if we eat well, exercise and get the sleep we need we have a better chance of being in balance.  We also know it is much easier to feast, flounder and fiesta.  Stress is the biggest challenge of all.  Not enough money, never see the family, everyone else seems to be doing better than me, I should be doing more with my life, too much work not enough play, I am such a disappointment, no friends, no life, no time.  The usual responses of working harder, seeing less of the family, reinforcing judgements of self versus others and more creates a vicious circle.  There is something about the way we are designed that encourages us to overdo things in our efforts to find an equilibrium.  A thought I am playing with is that by reducing the weight on the life scale there is less counterweight needed and our chances of success thereby increase.  The most fundamental measure of your success is how well you are breathing.  Breathe well and you are a successful human being.  That's it.  Everything else is illusion.  Big houses, boats, cars, lavish entertainment and girlfriends will not bring you calm and peace in your life.  You will have periods of fun and elation but it is not the route to inner contentment and balance.  Maybe if you strip away everything and begin with the need for oxygen on the life scale and breathing as the counterweight some insight will arise.  I sit here under my Mimosa Tree and breathe and feel calm.  Try it.  You can then add back layer by layer of stress of your life today and ask 'do I really need it?'  If you do then load it up but give thought to how you can balance it.  If you conclude you don't need it but have to have it then explore this.  Do you?  Must you?  By the way I am talking to myself in this stream of thought.  Like anyone else I have overloaded my life with too much on the life scale in the last year and have not had enough counterweight to achieve balance.  So to many things my answer to 'do you?' and 'must you?' is 'no' and 'no'.  My challenge now is to remember my answers.

WHO ARE YOU?

You are unique, full of mystery and a work of art continually in progress.  You are a story waiting to be told and read with interest by you.  Ever changing with a patchy past, an infinite range of possible futures and only the current moment as fact.  Whatever you choose you know you are missing something essential about who you are.  Like an artist building an image layer on layer.  A little more detail here, blend the colour there, cover up a bit that does not fit until the overall impression is good enough. Good enough.  Yes.  But incomplete, always incomplete.
The challenge is clear.  You are always changing.  What you were yesterday is different today.  What you believe you will be never takes final form.  What you are now in the moment is guided by where your attention rests.  And yet your mind continues to seek a definitive answer to the question.
Sometimes you think you are great.  Sometimes you are like everyone else.  When times are tough then you are just not good enough.
Who you are has all the ingredients of the most interesting novel you will ever read.  A great novel distills the wisdom of the writer and leads the reader in a sensual dance in a timeless land of wonder.  Although much is missing it captures the essential and leaves clues for the enquiring mind to complete its own picture.  The words slide off the page in to hungry eyes impatient for the next hint.  At the end you breathe out and relax in your chair.  In that moment life is perfection.
The novel you are is unique.  You are the writer and the reader.  Everything is the way you say it is and your interpretation is the only truth there is.  Only you can let someone else create it.  Only you can decide to write it for someone else.  But the pressures are great.  So many lives are lived following the rails put in place by parents, partners or teachers.  So many lives are lived to tell a story for someone else to read.  No matter how strong these forces are the pen is always yours to take hold of and write the novel you want to be.
The great writer has a keen eye.  He picks out the essential detail from which the reader constructs her image.  The reader fills in the missing information from his own experience.  The reader and writer conspiring in the joint creation of the reality they experience.  Neither seeing fully the image of the other but both sharing a mood, feeling or an idea as the senses coalesce.  A trail of words across a page can leave you angry, happy or sad.  So easily are you swayed by the skilled musicians who play your mind.
Imagine you as the reader of what you write.  You as the sculptor of your senses creating the landscape of your feelings.  Perhaps someone once told you you could do better, work harder of will fail to fulfil your potential.  Keep writing this and notice the pain it brings and the yearning for rescue.  Perhaps sometimes you are free and write who you are and notice how you soar above the earth in a moment of magic.  The great novel of who you are flows from taking hold of your pen and writing the story you want to read.  Writing the story that excites your soul and transcends existence.
If you love Proust, Tolstoy and Woolf then read them.  If Haydn, Mozart and Chopin move you then listen to them.  The page before you is blank.  If you love your life then pick up your pen and write it now.  Write it and read it to discover and enjoy your story.
That is who you are.

MASTERPIECE

I am on a wonderful journey of discovery under the tuition of an inspirational art teacher ,in Gata de Gorgos (Spain), called Julia.  I grew up believing I could not draw or paint.  Along the way I am sure this view was reinforced by others but most of all by myself.  Julia is taking me step by step along a path that has already shown me I can do far more than I ever thought possible.  I have a drawing I am proud of and am now making progress with an oil painting.  Already I am looking at the world around me in new ways and it has got me reflecting about the process of producing a masterpiece.
A simple but profound instruction from Julia was 'don't draw what you see but draw what is there'.   It didn't mean anything at first.  First I put a grid in place and then drew lines in relation to where they were on a grid of the picture I was working on.  Once the lightly drawn outline was in place I added in the dark areas.  All the time paying no attention to the overall picture but focussing on small areas of detail and reproducing them as best I could.  The fun bit was adding a mid tone all over the picture.  Just rub the pencil over the paper until it is all mid tone.  I could now work on the lighter tones by rubbing out and the mid tones by enhancing.  Gradually a picture began to emerge and as I stood back from the detail and took a look I was astonished at the result.
I am now working on an oil painting and the process is similar.  Outline, lights and darks, blend the boundaries, lights and darks, always focus on the detail I am working on and then stand back and see the effect.  I will not produce a masterpiece but already I am producing something that is pleasing for me.  The pleasure is in the process of painting, seeing the world afresh and achieving a result beyond any expectations I had before meeting Julia.  In my early learnings of the process of painting it makes me think aboutI the patience and commitment to produce a work that moves the soul.
At a dinner party a guest is reputed to have said to Proust of a page in 'In Search of Lost Time' that 'you must have been in heaven the day you wrote that page' to which he replied 'madame that page took over a year to write and included many moments of torture along the way.'  Julia says that in every picture she paints she can always see what more she could do and how she could improve next time.  These are the seeds of a masterpiece as the artist puts something on the canvas, looks at it, works on it, stands back, reworks it, lets the mood emerge, does some more, leaves it for a while, maybe longer, thinks about it, forgets it, comes back to it fast and slow.  Go right in to the detail, work on it and stand back to see the effect.  Emotions reach peaks and troughs and a battle to start again or throw it all away is constantly being fought.  Eventually something emerges that seems to make sense and brings an inner calm and a smile is allowed.  It is satisfying and good enough to say 'it is done.'  Very occasionally in a lifetime there is somewhere something that is produced that is accepted as a masterpiece.  Acceptance comes as it touches many souls and the viewer transcends prior understanding of the way the world is.  It seems to me that as long as there are new eyes looking there will always be a fresh way to see 'what is there.'

OLIVE BLOSSOM IN MAY

You never hear people say 'let's go and see the Olive blossom.'  Cherry blossom in Kyoto or almond and citrus in Valencia are always a bigger draw.  But look more closely and a treat is in store.  From a distance the blossom blends in to the leaves.  Close up it is a delicate white petal with a soft yellow centre.  It sheds  its petals to the ground like confetti for a pixie wedding.  Now you are close take a longer look at this amazing tree.  Some say if you eat olives every day you will live forever.  Some say olive trees never die.  The olive tree of Vouves is known to be at least 2000 years old and may be more than 4000.  At this grand old age, or perhaps its middle age, it still produces olive some ambling time after its May blossom.  It is 4.6 metres wide and 12.5 metres measured round its waist.  Take a look at an olive tree next time you are near one.  You will see character, personality and a knowing presence that says 'I've seen a thing or two.'
Some people around you are like the olive tree.  You don't see them as the eye is distracted by the captivating colours of cherry or the nose is hooked by the scent of citrus.  But look again and make them a friend and you will live a life enriched that may possibly last forever.

THE DECEPTIVE IGNORANCE OF BLISS

One of the wonders of human experience is that it could all be an elaborate illusion.  We know that people walk out of a room more slowly after hearing words referring to old age than they do after words around youth.    School people in logic and science and the only true meaning that follows comes from rational explanation and objective analysis.  We are both locked in the the mould our learning has created for us and unaware of our given shape.  Many are happily ignorant of how they have been cast and live the reality they are in as if it is the only one that exists.  Is this ignorance a blessing or a curse?
A friend referred to the comforts of materialism and consumerism masking the existential anxiety we are all experiencing.  Striving for more, a bigger house/car/boat/church...,and living with plenty in some way overcoming the questions of who we are and why we are here.  Her phrasing gets you thinking and sends you deeper and deeper in to enquiry about the hard work and stress of the world today.  One possibility is that sufficient food to keep you alive today and no attachment to thoughts of greed and desire is all you need for a perfect life.  This is currently rejected in favour of working harder and harder to amass more for the self in the expectation that one day we can have enough.  Then we will be able to relax, enjoy our life and reap the benefits of all that hard work.
Ignorance is bliss has perhaps never had such twisted meaning.  I am like many and worked hard to gather comforts and material possessions around me.  I am now learning from special friends that there might be simpler truths for contentment and finding the enquiry in to them rewarding.

Share a comment with what this evokes for you.

THE MEANING OF LIFE

Human Beings are the only animal that has the capability to work out what things mean.  In addition to all the sensory and stimulus response mechanisms of plants and animals we have cognition.  Cognition is a powerful additional layer enabling us to evaluate information, work out 'what it means' and make choices to take care of ourselves.  In evolutionary terms it is the latest addition to a developing set of self preservation apparatus.  It is inevitable that such apparatus will one day ask the question 'what is the meaning of life?'
If you look at a tree over time it grows out of a seed, changes through the seasons, lives its life and the ages and dies.  It is nourished by the sun, wind and rain and produces offspring to follow in its path.  The tree never asks about the meaning of life.  It came in to being, existed in a state of being and then was gone.
'What is the meaning of life' is a question that arises from a meaning making machine.  The meaning making machine was put there to improve the chances of survival of its host.  By making meaning many great advantages accrue to humans over competing life forms.  Agriculture, farming, cooking, building and culture are some examples.  Once you give humans this device it does not stop there but goes on to seek to make meaning of everything.  It extends itself in to art, literature, music, mathematics and so on.  You know from your own mind that it never stops trying to make meaning.
Everyone will reach their own conclusions on this recurring question.  I overheard two wealthy men talking the other day.  In their conversation about exotic holidays and new bigger homes one of them says 'I am becoming depressed again as life seems to lack meaning for me.'  At the unfair end of the social scale there are people making a similar statement about their life.  Everyone living in this frantic world will have their version of this statement at some point in their life.
My own conclusion to the question is that life just 'is'.  Rather than chase the endless circular philosophers quest for understanding I align myself with the tree and let all the meaning making thoughts drift off me in to the wind.  Life just 'is'.

IN THE SHADE OF THE MIMOSA TREE

I am sitting here in the shade of The Mimosa Tree.
There is a gentle breeze, like soft silk, brushing against my cheek.  I am calm, at ease and drawing deeply on my breath.  As I exhale I relax further in to my contentment.  I have left the shouldistic world behind and float in the lightness of being.  The air is warm from the sun and cool from the shade.  My thoughts are heavy and keen in their efforts to protect me and now soft and weightless as I release them in to the breeze.
The leaves of the tree rustle.  Whispering hints on the true secrets of living.  Motionless but for the dance of leaf and branch with breeze.  The Mimosa Tree knows how to be in flow with the world.  I can feel it all around me as I dispel another thought in to the air.
There is an army of ideas charging on my peace.  A regiment set up to 'do more', a battalion marching on 'goals' and a platoon set about 'watching my back.'  For this moment I ignore them all, sit still and slowly breath out.
I am sitting here in the shade of The Mimosa Tree.